Sunday, January 31, 2010

On My Way Home.....I thought....


Well, here I was telling myself that I am actually going home after being in the hospital from January 9th - January 29th. 20 days of being poked with needles, filled with blood, plasma, platelets, antibiotics, and just plan old medicine that I cant even pronounce. What would I do first when I get home?? Would I pretend like nothing happened and flop down on the couch and see what is on TV? Or would I go to the kitchen and cook me a nice little meal. One especially made for me. Or would I go straight to the bedroom and take me a long nap? Well, while I was thinking of all these wonderful things, the doctor walked in my room and said, Mona Lisa we decided we will keep you over the weekend to make sure your numbers or blood counts are up. We are just making sure that you are fit to go home and function. Well, I was sorta disappointed but when I thought about how important my counts or numbers are...I looked at the doctor and said, No problem. So I laid back down in the hospital bed, ordered me some hospital food, turned on my plasma hospital TV and got under the warm covers. God knows what he is doing and I have learned to stay in my lane. I have learned to slow it down. I have learned to be anxious for nothing. God is in control of everything. The moment that really sinks in is the moment the weights and worries are lifted. And life gets lighter. And my love gets stronger and stronger for him.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

"I Told The Storm"

Hey Bloggers...these past two weeks I have been in a holding pattern. The hospital gave me my last kemo theropy treatment the Sunday before last and the past two weeks was just watching and waiting to see how my body responds. Well, the first week I was like alright this kemo thing is not going to be so bad. I am thinking that there will be a drop in my numbers and by numbers I mean blood counts. But people when I tell you the second week was something else. I live in Austin Texas right now and Austin is known for Cedar Fever which is bad allergies. Now mind you I have allergies but they were never that serious. Well, the doctors informed me that when my counts are low the common cold is magnified. So when regular people are blowing their noses, I would blow my nose and my nose would bleed. My bones and joints ached like the flu. Now I am started to get the side effects of hair loss. Now this has always been in the back of my head. I was always trying to prepare myself for that but ladies and gentlemen my scalp felt like someone put my head in a bucket of clorox or set my head on fire. My skin that is around my forehead is sensitive to the touch. The skin around my ears and sensitive. I dont even want to touch more or less comb my hair. Man, I just started to pray. I told the nurse when she came in was that part of the signs of the hair loss, she told me yes. I said to myself, I wish someone could just come rub my scalp with some blue Magic...crisco...something. Low and behold God sent an Angel. A girlfriend of mine that started her own hair line and skin products. Needless to say she gave my scalp a good greezn and I was Good. Thanks Sharon, I will never forget you for that.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

My New and Renewed Mindset for Change


I am sitting here listening to inspirational cds and looking at videos to motivate me and i am feeling renewed. i feel like I was given this test and now it is time to do something about it. I have been researching Mona Lisa and what makes her tick. i have always been the type of person that is no holds bars and up front and personal. i have been bold and I have been bold when it comes to my God. Lately in the last couple of years I did notice a decrease in this personality. The fear of stepping on people's toes and trying not to offend people. i had turned into a person who was a people pleaser and that was something that was very uncommon and weird for me to accept. So of course I started trying to think back and wonder when it started. That is the only way you can heal if if you find out the root cause of the problem. Be real with yourself and make the change. Change is Good. Mona Lisa started to see herself in other peoples eyes as being the party started the fun loving and eazy going person that loves to have fun. But Mona Lisa was also a very serious and deep complex individual that had dreams and ideas that were out of the box. i never did well with status que. i liked being the shocker at the table. i liked keeping people on their toes. I was always known for keeping it real. That is what I was proud of about me. I was always down to earth.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Week of Admission and Acceptance

This people was a very important week. This was the week whoever hadnt heard from you was wondering what in the world happened to you. The appointments you set were still happening because you didnt let your secretary know you were out on sick leave. The people that might have saw you in the ambulance had already formed an opinion on what happened and now you have to face all these people with a diagnoses that dont even understand, accept, nor want to talk about because last you heard it was a BAD Disease. So here I am piecing the pieces together. Who am I gonna tell as far as my family is concerned with the rumor mill taking over. Who am I gonna tell as far as my friends go concerned about being shunned and defaced. Who am I gonna tell as far as support because I dont know anyone with this particular case of Leukemia. So I have a lot to think about. Away the phone calls went. Yes I have it and no I am not going to die from it and no it does not run in the family and not you cant catch it. Yes, i will be fine and yes, i will be in the hospital for a month. Yes, that does seem long but I think my life is worth it. So the questions were answered to the best of my ability and sanity. So I closed the book on any further ones until I can research and find out more myself.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Day Three: The Awakening


Here I was in the emergency room getting blood transfusions and being asked do I have a history of this and that and all I could think about was...this all came from just being a low in iron. The doctors that were on staff stated to me, no mona lisa this is something way more serious than a low iron deficiency. All your counts are low. Your white blood cell count, you platelets, your plasma, your red blood cells, your hemoglobin, every count in your body is low AND YOU ARE STILL BLEEDING. So the doctors number one concern was how do they stop the bleeding?? My thing was..well my period usually lasts for about 4 to 5 days so it should be letting up in a few more days. The doctors looked and me and said this is not a regular menstrual cycle. You are actually hemorrhaging. We had to perform a DNC to see what was causing such masses of blood loss. Now it was finally sinking in to my think skull that I am in a serious situation here. This just might be a life and death struggle if the blood is not stopped soon. So my and God began the conversation. You know that conversation that starts out saying, Lord if you bring me thru this one I promise I wouldn't do it anymore. Or something like that. Well, my conversation started off a little different than that. And that is what told me I was definitely in a different place with God. I was now in the SECRET HIDING PLACE. That place where only you and God dwell. That is the place that it is just you and him. No faking, no shaking, no persuading, just God the ominipresent one. The One that made Heaven and Earth and your fate is looking right at him.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Day Two: Confusion but Not Really

Now remember know that the change of life is right around the corner, I set in my mind that changes will happen to me and I was going to work with it and work it out. So the thought of me slowing down and getting tired just meant I was on my grind and I needed to rest a little and start fresh in the morning. It didnt occur to me that tiredness and fatigue is a major sign of Anemia. Anemia is what I suffered for ever seems like since my first child. Okay, I am low in iron....pass the iron pills and lets keep it moving. No, Mona Lisa, Anemia is something serious. Your iron counts have to be a certain level in order for you to function day to day. Who is thinking about all of this when you got bills to pay and things to do and people to meet. Well, I was when I was layed out on my bed bleeding profusely and wondering how was I going to get up and call the hospital. I finally mustered up enough courage to call an old friend who just happened to be a registered nurse. I told him what was going on and he said Mona Lisa you have to call ems. I said to him ..naw I will wait for a few hours...maybe the bleeding will stop. He said call him back if it doesnt but I really need to go into the emergency room. I said okay and layed down. An hour went by and I woke up trying to go to the bathroom and blood was everywhere. I ran to the bathroom...dizzy and confused. Almost to the point of passing out. I said to myself at that time. I live by myself, if I where to pass out who and when would someone find me. That is what made me make the call and Thank GOD I DID!!!

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Day One: Of the Journey to Recovery: The Match UP


I guess you can say that all the super weirdness started with my body in the month of October but of course I wrote it off as I am turning 38 and my body will be changing. I decided to go forward full steam ahead and start letting my new self know I LOVE ME! Now going a little further back in 2006, 2007, and 2008, I went thru some me transformations that werent highly receivable. I have to go thru some things that wasnt on the plan or agenda of Mona Lisa. In 2005, I lost my son to a car accident and he was only 6 years old. In 2006, I was separated from a man who was my husband at the time for 11 years. In 2007, I was divorced and had two sons leave the house to live with their fathers in order for me to mentally get it together. So the empty nest syndrome was in effect before the kids where grown. In 2008, all I had was me and me alone. I had to spend some time with God all by myself and that sounds easy to do until you realize that you have been running from him for a long time. You didnt really want to face you and the music. By the way, you are an okay person, you have flaws but you are in general a cool cat....well God said that he wanted my FULL ATTENTION because he has some things to say...go over...rebuke...sharpen....replenish....refill....deliver...and rejoice in my that I have no clue how to do without him. Yep, folks this was all going thru my mind being wheeled to the emergency room on January 9, 2010 at 2:40 am in the morning.

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